(as i was contemplating what to share with you i came across this 1 month old post in the dungeon called “archives.” and though a little dusty it conveys what my heart was processing at the time… and what i am continuing to work through.)
even as i type this i am listening to a sermon on fear. initially i felt very confident with the idea that i don’t struggle with fear. i’m not a worrier by nature. i seldom invest my energy or time into daydreaming which means that honestly i rarely think about the future. a couple of years ago i stopped planning out my life. this too freed me up from fearing that my plans, my dreams wouldn’t come to fruition.
of course this is not to say that i’m totally without fear. but i couldn’t think of any life-sucking, disabling fears that threaten to steal my joy.
so just as i was feeling confident and a bit self-righteous it hit me. my biggest fear slapped me in the face.
oh how quickly i forgot that just yesterday it wrapped it’s nasty little tentacles around me and not only did it ruin a precious date with the love of my life, it threatens to ruin me.
my fear can’t be summed up in a word.
so i’ll try to explain it.
as many of you know, it took us several years to conceive. and it took us just as long for our dreams of adoption to be fulfilled as well.
…hang with me… back to the present…
two wonderful and equally as surprising gifts later i am DAILY baffled that God has surpassed all of my dreams. every.single.day. i am amazed by the gift of our sprouts. and i know myself well enough to know that i don’t deserve them. and every day i try to be intentional to enjoy them. to tell them i love them. to give them my all. to sacrifice whatever is required of me for the task. and for the most part, i count it an honor to do so. in fact, some of the so-called sacrifices i’ve had to make i thoroughly enjoy. such as nursing liberty 2 or 3 times every night. i don’t look forward to these days ending. rushing home from class in hopes of seeing sterling before he takes a nap. i seriously feel disappointed if i’ve missed his entire morning. taking liberty to class with me. i wouldn’t have it any other way because i feel that 4 hours apart from her is simply too long. and truth be told, if i could manage, if there was any way possible, i’d take both sprouts with me. but alas it’s simply an impossibility. so maybe you’re getting the idea. i love our sprouts and i willingly surrender myself to them… for i know that this is just a season. and their need for me, even their wanting me, will come to an end all too soon.
with that backdrop in mind it took me two months to get up the nerve to confess my need to jarod… did you hear me? TWO MONTHS. it took two months for me to muster the emotional energy to confess my feelings of failure. and it goes something like this: i need alone time.
prior to our sprouts joining our family i routinely enjoyed alone time. it’s a legitimate need i have.
however, since liberty joined our family i have forsaken any and all prospects of having alone time. for four months i’ve been on duty 24/7…
my fear? my fear is that by confessing – even to myself – that i continue to have this need i am a total and complete failure as a mother.
after all, i know i don’t deserve them. besides, shouldn’t the fact that i begged and pleaded and cried out to God for years that he would fulfill this desperate desire i had to have children be enough to propel me forward? shouldn’t the fact that he’s given me everything that i’ve ever asked for and more than i’ve ever wanted be enough to energize me each and every second of every day? during those years of waiting didn’t i get enough alone time? why am i so selfish? why, after only four months, am i running out of steam? did i not realize that having the gift of children in my life meant that from the moment they joined my life i no longer had any rights to something as silly and selfish as alone time?
apparently not ’cause the fear that has been eating me alive is that of failing as a mother.
it’s preposterous really. i’m constantly telling other mothers to stop feeling guilty… always an advocate of murdering “mommy guilt” as i call it. and yet somehow my own mommy guilt has manifested itself in deceptive ways… and turned to something much more dangerous and lethal. fear. fear has the power to destroy. and my own fears of being a failure have caused me to run on empty to the point of pure exhaustion. and my fears have cost me something else – it cost me two months of not receiving the help jarod was so willing to give. how ridiculously blinding my fear has been.
oh that i would continue to marvel in God’s goodness without giving the evil one a foothold for guilt and fear.